“So I play this game, right?”

A couple of months ago, this article would’ve started as “So I used to play this game, right?” I’d just come back from one of the most savage beatings ever delivered to man. I literally felt like I was the moral-inducing bad guy from an 80s sports movie. I didn’t just get beat, I got beat in the following scenarios:

a) The plucky teenager who’s playing in his first tournament. Who is also playing the same deck as me. Who invested his savings in the tournament fee.

I was so going down, it wasn’t funny.

I, of course, took the first game of three, in a rather humiliating fashion. For him, that is. It must have lasted about three minutes, and ended with me smiling smugly and thinking that maybe, just maybe, the plucky teenager would be crushed under my ten years playing experience.

Boy, was I wrong.

In true Rocky fashion, the second game took forever, and I had the upper hand during the first 95% of it. The last 5%, I still can’t believe. Imagine taking a card deck, shuffling it, and dealing yourself 4 Aces. Then, re-shuffling and dealing yourself four Kings. I was crushed, with three minutes on the clock, and the firm intention of playing as slowly as possible to make the match end in a tie.

I think I forgot to mention his name was “Ricki” or something, and, lo and behold, he waves to somebody.

“That’s my little sister!”

I realized that stalling for three minutes would be impossible. That the combined force of three decades of movie clichès were about to hand me my ass. I did my best to play slowly, but it wasn’t enough. Three minutes later, I was as dead as Michael Jackson’s career.

“I can’t believe I beat you!”

I bit my tongue, shook hands with him, peeled myself from the chair and turned to face my travel partners, who were shaking their heads.

“Dude, you are so unlucky, if you were a cartoon villain, your name would be Unlucky McFucky!”

I went to get a highly-caffeinated drink, and proceded to get caffeine and sugar seizures during the rest of the event.

b) The cute geek chick, who wears glasses and a crappy hair style, until she takes the glasses off, and lo and behold, she’s beautiful.

I have nothing but respect for female gamers, since one of my playtest partners happens to be a woman. She also happens to be your typical real-life geek chick, that is, not tall, not blonde, not cute despite the glasses, and not hot, at all. Anyway, my last-round female nemesis proceeded to giggle her way through a complete face-smashing, making cute remarks along the way:

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I just drew this!”

“*giggle* That drawing is so kee-yoot!”

“I’m sorry, but now I will kick you in the nuts and take away your will to live. But, hey! I’m cute!”

Hey, at least she was cute…

Coming out of the tournament, I realized one thing: I sure as hell wasn’t playing to compete anymore. Either I was playing for fun,or I’d rather not play at all. So, after a month-long retirement, I’m havnig fun again. I’m sure that will last until the next time a cute girl punches me in the face with a deck of cards.

At least, I hope she’s cute.