OK, another one:

Return of the Jedi

Replace the ewoks by wookies. Seriously, it wouldn’t be such a slap in the face to the Empire’s clone army if they would be defeated by ginormous hairy creatures that could rip your arms out, instead of cute furry things you could imagine as Michael Jackson’s personal servants. I heard after the ewok ass-kicking, the empire banned the use of the phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones”, because it was being punchlined with “especially when wielded by three-foot creatures that are still wearing roadkill on their heads”.

My answer:

Star Wars Episode III

Well, I respect Lucas’ idiosyncrasy, but he is an erratic filmmaker who has have made some very poor artistic decisions. I’m okay with the skeleton of the story, but I have a few complaints when it comes to its execution.

I felt kind of sad for Samuel L. Jackson, his Mace Windu character was pretty wasted. This is the third prequel and Windu is still talking about something that we already knew without adding anything new or substantial to it. I’m talking about the “If Anakin is the chosen one, he will bring balance to the force” crap talking. C’ mon, George, how underwritten can a prophechy be. Also, he is supposed to be a Jedi Master with a very high status in the Jedi Council, so what about giving him some dialogue that shows how much of a wise Jedi he was supposed to be instead of a clueless fucking idiot? And what’s with him yelling like a girl when Anakin cuts off his hand?

First of all, the question was “what movie was good up to t he last few minutes” or something to that effect. Chalito: what are you talking about? This isnt what movie had potential or what sequel killed the series.

I partially agree with what Alvarete has to say about Saving Private Ryan, mainly because I hate cliche and cheesy shit without a purpose other than to, cheese it up. But all in all I think the movie in general wasnt defeated by the salute. Face it, its Speilberg. Contrary to what Nashira has to say however, I think the movie was very, very good. Nashira: You have to learn to look beyond your distate for Damon’s mouth and the fact that Spielberg is involved, and admit when a movie is good. It is in fact probably one of the best war time movies ever made. Now all you Full Metal Jacket and Appocalipse Now fans can proceed to throw crap at my opinion.

Coincidentally, one movie which I think would fit the bill of this question better would be Cast Away (also with Hanks). I enjoyed the film. The plot is developed, the characters are solid (as can be), and I managed to not only survive, but even enjoy watching a half naked dude on an island talking to a volleybal while there are absolutely no hot chicks in sight. The guy gets off the island, is rescued, goes though the “coming back from the dead” issues, etc. And then? A crossroad in rural midwest america? That is how the movie ends? You mother…..

Anyway, point given.

As far as scary movies are concerned, I have to agree with Chalito. Back in the day movie makes really took the time to think things through and build the mood and characters of the movies they were making. Just today I was half-watching The Shining and man, that is some good wacky Jack Nicholson going looney shit.

Today scary movies are basically a mathmatical formula of gore, guts and timing the boom on the subwoofer after a prolonged pause so that you instictively jump out of your seat and say to yourself “dude that was some scary shit”. The sillyness of it, combined with the jaded aetheist in me, dashed with an obsessive need for logic and just plain common sense, make scary movies to me a complete waste of time.

Last summer my wife’s nephews came to spend the summer and I shit you not, we must have watched every single scary movie - and I couldnt have been more bored and unmoved.

As far as TCM - sorry dude but, I was, is and will always be crap. It falls in the “these people are so stupid I am amazed they actually got a license to drive that allowed them to arrive at this unfortunate destination to begin with” movie. Were it not for the constant stock of hot chicks they toss into these movies, they would be literally unwatchable. Actually, I will rephrase that. DESPITE all the hot chicks, I still cant watch them they are so silly.

I am personally more frightened and held hostage by suspense when I am standing in front of my toilet getting ready to pee every morning. For some reason, although there is only one orifice and a pretty obvious aiming device, bodily fluids (especially early in the morning) have the ability to go anywhere but where intended, or otherwise can manage to emerge in two streams (of different intensity in fact) instead of just one. Did I just share too much?

Actually, I am more frightened with the fact that I am consistantly coinciding with Chalito in my opinions. I may have to re-evaluate my lifestyle because of this.

I feel like I can never give a one-two response. Long winded like John Kerry you say? DAMN!

F it.

Saving private Ryan could’ve been great except for the last 5 seconds of the movie? You mean, you actually liked the rest of the 2 hours of YET ANOTHER AMERICAN SOLDIER SUFFERING, yet another bad german guy, yet another WWII movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah, “raw war scenes”. Mat Damon, I hate that guy and the weird expression of his mouth that resembles so much Hillary Swanks’s mouth, don’t you think?

Anyway, my movie is: The Gathering. That freak girl from Casper was there, and it was about a curse in some forgotten english town, Jesus Christ was involved and other tragedies too.

Could’ve been a great fantasy/horror or some any other transgender movie, except that it was cheap, the writer seemed to have included (accidentally or purposedly) all the screenplays he ever (or never) wrote (since or at age 3) in the second half of the movie… The director sucked or was sucking the writer’s thingy when directing. I’m sorry for being so vulgar. It happened exactly like that, I’m pretty sure.

Drank too much
and I said too much
and there’s nowhere to go but Down.
Young boy -I wanna help you
See these lines? Truly disappointed
Truly, truly, truly

~ Morrisey

The story is extremely weak (unrecognizable for a Kevin Smith script), although it has a lot of great funny moments, most of the humour falls into “unnecesarry vulgarity” category. KS had the chance to retire a great franchise in Jay and Bob, retire them like a first class boxer…while on top!…yet, he ended up killing them, extremely sad.

Someone once argued it was a movie for the fans…ok, I understand there’s a lot of references to his previous 4 movies, but that still doesn’t justify how dull the movie was.

Another example would be scary/terror movies, wtf happened to the gender??? as we look back at horror films from the 70’s and early 80’s, we laugh at the poor special effects and how big busty girls always seem to loose their tops before getting slashed by a machete…however, back in the day, those were sacry movies, people liked them, i know i did. The poor unrealistic effect were compensated by original well developed stories.
Today, most scary movies are freeking jokes, there’s no point in taking a hot chick to see them hoping she’ll be sticking to you like gum to your shoe on a hot day…most of the times, the only effect this movies have beside from boredom is nausea every once in a while.
I should clarify that I’m refering to Hollywood productions, most japanese horror flicks are pretty descent…that is until someone in La-La land buys it and manages to fuk it up.

Jay: “What buzz?”
Holden: “The internet buzz”
Jay: “What da fuk is the internet???”