Born Under a Bad Sign at alvarete.net

Born Under a Bad Sign

I like travelling alone. Somehow, I’m really relaxed when it comes to climbing aboard a 50-ton apparatus that lifts through the air and lands (hopefully) somewhere else, where “somewhere else” does not equal “on a nearby river” or “on somebody’s roof, while in flames”. Last week, I was assigned seat 14-B. I thought that it would’ve been a good day to be superstitious, that way, I could’ve been happy about narrowly missing being seated in row 13, an omen of bad luck and future erectile dysfunction by way of DEATH. So, strolling down the aisle, I counted the rows: “11, 12, 14″.

I backtracked, in case I’d missed row 13.

Yes, 5 years into the 21st century, and there’s no row 13 on planes.

How does bad luck break down? Is it the number 13 by itself that carries it, in which case, I can only applaud the slyness of our airline industry, or is it just the fact that you’re sitting on the 13th floor? You can’t cheat basic 12+1 there, buddy.

In any case, next time you’re sitting on row 14th, fuck it: you know which row you’re on.

Aside: while waiting to be boarded, an old lady asked me if I could watch her bag while she went to the bathroom. I told her “Sure, but I can’t guarantee I won’t introduce any dangerous and/or harmful materials into it.”

She took her bag with her.

I love promoting airport safety. I should get free air miles for this kind of stuff…

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Comments

Chase Ransom wrote:

Dude, you dont know the first thing about how silly humans are when it comes to superstition.

You may not be aware of it (since you dont work in construction like I do), but most hi-rises dont have a 13th floor. And I aint talking about the ones built back in the 60’s and 70’s. Im talking about the ones being drawn on paper today.

How fascinatingly silly people are with this slavish spell under which they tip-toe carefully to not anger the gods of circumstance and coincidence. Knock on wood, speak of disease in a low voice, cross fingers, fotune telling (cards, tea leaves), praying, etc.

Everything from blowing on dice before you roll (so invisibly impreganted into our culture we dont even realize why we do it), to avoiding walking under a ladder (which actually has some common sense to it because something could fall on you).

Humans would navigate in a life full of doubt, faith, fear and uncertainty instead of simply disregarding all that which is unrealistic and simply stupid.

People dont give sheer coincidence enough credit, although its perhaps the most palpable yet intangible force in existance.

Let the holly wars begin.

F it.

Posted 25 Aug 2005 at 5:07 pm ¶
nashira wrote:

alvarete, free air miles? Of course! That’s what they have the entire row 13 reserved for, they just hide it until a smartass shows up with a special petition…

Posted 25 Aug 2005 at 10:26 pm ¶
Johann wrote:

The hell with it. Life is hard enough without calling on bad luck. You ask me and i´ll tell nope do not buy a 13th floor appt. I will throw salt basckwards if i spill it. Do for all itended purposes try not to break mirrows. I guess the black cat does not affect me. But will cross fingers. Do knock on wood, and blow on my dice if in a cassino. I know of most of the stories that relate to this behaviour and find that today they don´t make as much sense as in the past. Fer example to light 3 cigarrettes with one match is bad luck. Then again in war in the mud at night you light a match for to long and are therefore a sure target. Black cats where considered a form the devil took and having one meant being allied to the evil one. In a time when they burned people for this hmm bad luck. Salt was for a long time rome´s salary valued in a way similar to gold in the past century. I guess today spilling your oil reserve would be bad luck. The Gauls belived their spirits lived on trees and knocking on them would call for their protection. Well i guess it goes on like this for all superstitions. The thing is alvarete like flies stepping on s…. , or the way when you foward your car 2 inches in the red light and everyone else goes foward the same two inches, i will like most hearding animals follow mass bahaviour. Would you like to miss out on a good percentage of your sales for disregarding supersticious people like myself?

Posted 25 Aug 2005 at 10:52 pm ¶
Chalito wrote:

I honestly think you all got it wrong with the 13th floor and rows argument…it’s fukin brilliant!
First, you have to look at it from a business point of view, not a racional one. I believe superstitions are stupid, however a lot of people don’t…don’t you think there’s a shitload of dumbasses out there who simply won’t buy the ticket if the 13th row is the last one avaliable (by that I mean that they’ll buy a ticket on another airline). Or don’t you think that selling an apartement in the 13th floor might be a harder task than selling one in the 10th???

You see, people in these industries have acknoledged the stupidity of the consumers and simply made the adjustments for it to not be an issue.

I really hate superstition and try to go completely against it. In baseball, stepping on the with chalk lines is a major superstition no-do, so I always tried to do it. Or when i’m in a big group of people drinking and they all toast (urban legend says that is you don’t say “salud” with everyone, that will give u 7 years of bad sex), so whenever someone shouts Salud, I simply reply: fuk you all, I can make women meow! (I actually stole that from Billy Cristal in “When Harry Met Sally).

Anyway…now that I think of it… I was not really what you can call a “Good” baseball player…and in the sack…..fuk you all, I can make women meow!

Posted 25 Aug 2005 at 11:49 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

First of all, in the situation with the airline, you cant just refuse to sit in a certain seat. You get what you are given (obviously when the flight is packed.

In the case of buildings, I could almost concede that the situation could present itself, but honestly I think that the enveloping power of realestate and equity surpass the ignorance that drives people to do superstitious crap.

F it.

Posted 26 Aug 2005 at 12:13 am ¶
Chito wrote:

Urban legends and supertitions go way back. It´s part of every culture, race and even religions. But I won´t talk about history, but my own.
I used to belive in supertitions when I was a kid. But as I grew older I stopped beliving in them, just like religion. One of the main reasons for me to stop beliving, was that I´ve always been what you can call an unlucky person. I bump my head into cavinet doors if they´re open, trip over a small rock in the midle of football field, or simply drop things that are frigile and are not ment to be broken. My love life is even worse than that.
I always tried to play it cool with the supertitions things, like if I spilled salt, I´ll do what had to be done the counter the “bad luck effect”. But in the end, no matter how much I tried to avoid the bad luck things, I was still the same: bumping into things, tripping over small rocks and drop invaluave things that were fragile and weren´t suposed to be broken. So, no matter what, I´m still “cursed”.

“Unos nacen con estrellas
y otros nacen estrellados”

Posted 29 Aug 2005 at 7:47 am ¶
alvarete wrote:

Chito rocks.

Posted 29 Aug 2005 at 12:57 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

“…I’ve been down since I begin to crawl”.

Maybe you should consider one of those crazy-ass sessions with a local brujo. I guess getting spat hard liquor repeatedly in the face by a drunken old fellah, while he’s rubbing an egg to your body is not for everybody, though.

Posted 29 Aug 2005 at 5:02 pm ¶
alvarete wrote:

Yeah, if you think your luck sucks, wait until you’re getting spat on by a toothless indian. That shit ought to make you feel better faster than you can say “I’m getting spat on by a toothless indian!”

Posted 29 Aug 2005 at 11:33 pm ¶
Chito wrote:

That doesn´t sound like a bad idea at all. I mean, it can´t worse than that. I think that the idea of a man spitting “guaro” on me (even worse if he´s toothless) and rubbing and egg on me while I´m on my underware. I would hit rock bottom after that (in the unluck thing) and then I would be really confortable because I know I cannot sink any further than that and every other “unlucky” thing that happens to me after that would be like a grain of sand in a beach.

Posted 30 Aug 2005 at 4:37 am ¶
alvarete wrote:

Actually, if you went to the witch doctor he would probably time the guaro spitting and the cigar smoke blowing wrong, and a cinder from the butt of his cigar would turn you into a flaming ball of unluck.

Kepp away, I say!

Posted 30 Aug 2005 at 11:28 am ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

Chito: Fess up. The idea of the toothless loin clothed drunken indian spitting and blowing smoke on your crazy ass turns you on doesnt it?

Aint this a mother f…..

F iti

Posted 30 Aug 2005 at 1:16 pm ¶
wale wrote:

i read the other day in extra that a man had been put on fire an burned by one of this brujos, so don`t try it chito it can happen

Posted 31 Aug 2005 at 3:50 am ¶
dorothy hale wrote:

I just noticed that too….and found it so ridiculous.

Posted 31 Aug 2005 at 3:56 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

The Extra, right. Now’s that’s a reliable source of information. I just read the other day in this local Enquirer about a party in Palenque where the Devil showed up. Of course, no one saw him(it), but all the people in the party reportedly suffered from epilepsy attacks, and they all agree that there was a strong scent of sulphur in the air.

Posted 31 Aug 2005 at 6:23 pm ¶
alvarete wrote:

“all the people in the party reportedly suffered from epilepsy attacks, and they all agree that there was a strong scent of sulphur in the air.”

I had the same thing happen the other night at a party after I ate a dozen mexican tacos.

Posted 31 Aug 2005 at 9:35 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

It’s hard for me to imagine the Devil, Mr. Evil himself, shakin’ his butt to the tune of “Mesa que más aplauda”. Besides, if I’m the Lord of Darkness himself, I wouldn’t kindap humble, rural girls, I’do nothing less than straight up threesomes with the hottest bitches around.

Posted 31 Aug 2005 at 11:13 pm ¶
Chalito wrote:

don’t make fun of the extra, it’s like the internet for poor people here in Ecuador…you can get your news, sports, social life and porn all in one newspaper!

Scary real fact:
El Universo - 199,000 copies sold per day
El Comercio - 175,000 copies sold per day
El Extra - 362,000 copies sold per day

scary shiat!!!

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 12:16 am ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

You forgot about the sexy horoscope. Did you read one of today’s headlines?

“WELL KNOWN LADIES-MAN IN PAJAN BECOMES A WOMAN, AND NOW SHE GETS WHAT HE USED TO GIVE”.

I can’t get enough of this shit.

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 1:16 am ¶
alvarete wrote:

Blind Willie:

I think if I were the devil I’d just go around making stupid jokes, and melting the face of whoever didn’t think them funny.

“Baby, lemme put some sizzle in you bijizzle”
*silence*
*FACE MELT!*

After forcing a random guy on the street to touch a chick’s ass, and then jumping in front of incoming traffic:

“Heh, I can see the tabloids already: ‘THE DEVIL MADE HIM DO IT!’”
*silence*
*FACES MELTED!*

Matter of fact, I think I’d have a truckload of fun if I were the devil. Plus, being able to lick your finger, touch your ass AND ACTUALLY HAVE IT SIZZLE?

Priceless.

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 11:15 am ¶
alvarete wrote:

I’ve always found the fact that we have a town named Pajàn hilarious.

Pajàn. Come on, that shit’s funny by itself!

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 11:16 am ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

That name has a funny name in the sense that the name is a little naughty. How about places like “Progreso”, which is a two-bit spec of dust on the face of the planet where probably the last significant innovation was the arrival of color TV.

Which tips the hand of an important questions which has always burned un the mind of humanity: What kind of humor is funnier?

- Sarcastic Humor: Example: Keith Richards is doing public announcements telling kids not to do drugs. What? Keith, the kids cant do any drugs because there are none left because you did them all already - Denis Leary (the king of sarcasm and dissapointment)

- Ironic Humor: Example: Must I go any further? A town called progreso? Hello. Is this thing on? Tough crowd tonight.

- Goffy/Silly Humor: Think of anything every published and copyrighted by Disney. Also tame examples such as: You were american when entered the bathroom, and american when you left the bathroom; so what are you while you are IN the bathroom? European. (If you dont get it you are an idiot).

- Physical Humor? John Ritter anyone? Pie in the face, falling down, etc.

- Potty Humor: Anything with a fart, poop, pee, etc in it. Also considered anything with foul language and of an obscene topic/sexual. Example: The other week I say a t-shirt that said “I banged one of the girls from Hanson”

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 1:45 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

- Heretic Humor: I could on my infamous “y sin el acrobata?” joke but it probably wouldnt fly too well with this crowd.

- Naughty/Double Meaning Humor? Once I had a Big Johnson T-shit that said “Liquor up front and Poker in the back”. Once again, if you dont get it, u’r dumb.

- Observational/Rational Humor? Seinfeld. The why do they call it cheerios routine. Another dude who is also brilliant poses the question: If I am in my car traveling at the speed of light, and I turn on my headlights - what happens then?

British Humor: A class all on its own. Benny Hill. Monty Python. Ah yes - the classics. A fusion no doubt of many of the previously mentioned but with a dry wit to it that is only replicable by a brit.

So thats some food for thought and discussion. My favorite of all time is: Two cowboys walk into a bar and walk up to the bar tender. The first one says “Hi, my name is Kid Confusion and this here is my sidekick, Denial Dan”. The second cowboy looks at the first and says “No way, I’m the Kid and you are Denial Dan” - to which the first cowboy reacts by scratching his head and saying “Hey wait a minute, I’m confused”.

F it.

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 1:46 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

If I was the devil? That is a completely seperate and impossibly long line of possibilities we havent the time or the patience for.

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 1:48 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

Back when I was a teenager we met this gringo who hanged around with me and my friends for almost a year. We were heading to Montañita (back in 1989, when this was really a beach spot), and the gringo used to ask the meaning of all the towns on the way. Progreso was pretty funny, in an ironic way like Ransom just put it, but when we reached Zapotal we were in trouble. Lucky for us, booze and imagination did the job, so “Such a Frog” was born, and forever immortalized.

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 4:30 pm ¶
dorothy hale wrote:

Chalito, you can also read Extra on the internet….is that more scary???

I must be stupid but i can’t still find the logic in your comparison between reading the internet and Extra….please explain.

Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 8:27 pm ¶
Chalito wrote:

ok, quick explanation Dorothy:

It’s not “reading the internet”, but in my case as most of us (I imagine), the internet is my source for daily news (I watch the TV news if I can, yet I can’t get throught the morning without checking cnn.com and eluniverso.com), for sports (yes, I am a sports junkie), for enterntainment and well…for porn!

So, if you talk with someone in this country who doesn’t have access to the web, and you try to brag about this wonderfull tool of modern technology we know as internet, his response will probably be: “fuk la internet, yo leo la Extra!”.

get my point???

Posted 02 Sep 2005 at 12:45 am ¶
nashira wrote:

Chalito, honey, you’re pointless.
You have no point.
;)

Posted 02 Sep 2005 at 6:52 pm ¶