My boyfriend’s (not) back (yet)

Dear Apple:

I must admit, at first I didn’t want your products. I mean, I wanted them, in the way you lust after that hot redhead in Reception, but I didn’t want them like a flower needs rain. Even after your muti-million dollar ad campaigns, you failed to plant in me the seed of need. I did not want to cross people wearing your signature white earphones on the street, and get smug “Hey, a fellow Podder” looks. I did not embrace “The Apple Lifestyle”, buying style over substance. However, fate had an iPod Shuffle landing on my lap for my 27th birthday (thanks chaps!), which I promptly traded in for a brand-new iPod Mini. Pink, since you must ask.

No, I’m not gay.

I quickly got used to the convenience of having 4 gigs in my pocket without having to be happy to see somebody. I also immediately replaced the stock white earbuds for a pair of far less fashionable but infinitely better sounding Sennheiser earphones. Now, I don’t have to partake in the subway “Hey, I have an iPod too!” communion, only in the “dude, Sennies? you got taste”. In a pinch, I traded style for funcionality. 7-25,000 Khz functionality.

All was rosy for a while. I was still miles away from wearing Birkenstocks and playing hackeysack while stoned at a Phish concert, though. I was embracing the subsection of the Apple Digital Lifestyle that interested me: namely, the part about rocking out to mad tunes while on the morning commute.

But, alas! This was not to last. As I journeyed back from London two weeks ago (no fireworks this time, thank you very much), I noticed the click-wheel wasn’t responding. Oh, cruel Apple! How you mock me! First, you make me depend on this… machine, and then, 1 day after the 90-day guarantee period expires, it breaks down. Now I’m hopelessly checking the repair status every 30 minutes, wondering what the fuck does “DISPATCH SENT” mean. Does it mean the iPod is on its journey back home? Maybe it was taken care of, mob style. It is now sleeping with the fishes. Crab food, natch. Your support hotline stated that my iPod would be back safely in “between 5 and 15 days”. It’s been more than 5 days now, so that’s already half a lie. If more than 15 days transpire, you better be ready. Hell hath no fury like an uncool iPodder scorned.

Yours truly,

A.

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Comments

  1. edipa wrote:

    that makes me feel so much better…

    Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 5:37 pm

  2. Chase Ransom wrote:

    Hold not your grudge against the manufacturer, but against the ill fated sense of humor of life. My Ipod after many months and a couple bumps still functions flawlessly.

    Maybe you are finger heavy? Probably just got a lemon by the sanctity of misfortune. I too love my iPod and now could not possibly imagine traveling without it. So long are the hours and so boring the single serving friends (thank you Fight Club) on every flight, that iPodless I would probably kill myself before reaching cruising altitude.

    You would break me in two if you asked me if I would rather travel iPodless or Laptopless (hey I just said topless). I would probably, ultimately say I would rather suffocate in an oven. But faced with the innevitable choice, I would choose to travel with my iPod. I can live without my scrabble. I can’t live without my (i)tunes.

    Plus it freaks the passenger next to me when I air guitar my way into the blazing solos and stomp away at the hollow decking beneath my feet.

    I heart iPods

    Posted 01 Sep 2005 at 10:13 pm

  3. El Mediodía wrote:

    Phish……….

    Posted 02 Sep 2005 at 8:01 am

  4. nashira wrote:

    Dear Podstumer:

    We received your letter.

    Get a girl.

    Posted 02 Sep 2005 at 6:44 pm

  5. alvarete wrote:

    I already have a girl, now I want my fucking iPod back…

    Posted 02 Sep 2005 at 9:16 pm

  6. nashira wrote:

    Hey, funny guy, Chito (or Chalito) doesn’t count. I’m talking about a real girl.

    Posted 02 Sep 2005 at 9:28 pm

  7. Chase Ransom wrote:

    Zinging at its finest. I love you Al but although I know for a fact that you are brilliant, Nashira has a festered and jagged sly wit that cannot be tamed. I dont think you can win this burn-fest.

    F it.

    Posted 03 Sep 2005 at 2:30 am

  8. alvarete wrote:

    These Apple fucks got my number. I’m a ball of raging bile when I phone them up, then I’m put on hold, and I get the following choices in hold music:

    Tori Amos, “Little Earthquakes”
    Pink Foyd, “Money”
    Stevie Wonder, “Higher Ground”

    I was in the middle of rocking out to Higher Ground’s outro solo when the helpdesk dude picks up my call. How can I remain angry after thoroughly enjoying myself like that?

    Lemme tell you, that extended guarantee “Instant Replacement” rip-off they offer at purchase time? If you’re prone to obsessing about shit like this, it’s totally worth it.

    Posted 05 Sep 2005 at 12:08 pm

  9. Chase Ransom wrote:

    I agree. With mine I spent the bux for the extended warranty. I only do with the key electronics - and its WORTH IT!

    F it.

    Posted 05 Sep 2005 at 8:27 pm

  10. El Mediodía wrote:

    How about going Creative?

    Posted 08 Sep 2005 at 11:47 pm

  11. alvarete wrote:

    Not a huge Creative fan. A friend got one, and it doesn’t rock. On the other hand, they sell it in purple and orange.

    Gotta have my orange…

    Posted 09 Sep 2005 at 10:00 am

  12. Neegrow wrote:

    Creative fan here, I got a Zen player 40 Gb, a little thicker, but does the job. Hated the ipod, until the Nano came out, now I am craving for it. It is a shame you dont have your Shuffle man. The only downpart of owning a Zen is that I cant find any skins for it, and the worst is that it doenst have the feature of buying tunes like the itunes.

    Posted 19 Sep 2005 at 6:31 am

  13. Neegrow wrote:

    Fucking brain damage, .. Lets phrase that again, …
    Sorry that you dont have your ipod mini flaco. :P

    Posted 19 Sep 2005 at 6:32 am

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