Wake Me Up When September Ends
(Yes, Green Day song, Green Day sucks, I’ll never come to this web site again, blah blah blah)
It’s two weeks since I came back from my holiday, and I’m still unable to adapt myself to the time difference. I’ve effectively lived in a permanent state of jet-lag for two weeks straight, laying in bed until 04h00 unable to sleep, having to throw myself to the cold floor to wake up and not miss work. Caffeine has become my new best friend, and even though I haven’t stooped low enough to try the colored pee they try to pass as coffe in my office, I’ve gone through 4 tins of Bawls caffeinated mints, and if you’re familiar with the trademark Bawls kick-you-in-the-ass caffeine jolt, you’ll know that 4 tins is probably way too much when mixed with lots and lots and lots of (free) Starbucks.
Today I woke up before any of my three alarms (clock, cell phone, iPod) went off. I was upset by a rapping in my window. (No, not that kind of rapping). I woke up to see an angry bird trying to force its way into my room. Now, I’ve seen my share of horror movies, and I know that, had my window been unlocked, my brothers would’ve found me laying in an ocean of blood, my brains splattered by a possessed bird from hell. This would’ve probably seemed a whole lot stranger if it hadn’t happened before.
Yes, I’m no stranger to being assaulted by possessed birds from hell.
About 3 years ago, while I was still living in Ecuador, this bird decided that waking up at 08h45 wasn’t early enough, and took it upon himself (maybe as his drunken New Year’s resolve) that he would wake me up at 07h30. So every day at 07h30, he started pecking at my window. Every day, for like three months, it would sit there and tap my window until I woke up. When I got up from bed it would fly away to pursue more birdly tasks, like catching insects and pooping on people’s heads. Eventually, we worked out a Snooze mechanism and everything: I would throw my pillow at the window, and the bird would fly away for a while, then come back to torment me. Of course, I hated its guts, and wished it would go away and leave me alone. Which, of course, it did one day, and I still wonder what happened to my feathered alarm clock. Maybe the whole thing had been a bet he’d lost with some friends, maybe he got tired of feeling unloved, maybe he got eaten by the neighbour’s dog. (She, rather. That kind of bone-headed determination and prolongued annoyance could only come from a woman.) To this day, I still wonder what was up with that bird knocking on my window in the wee morning hours. The only answer I can come up with is: I must have a truly delicious-looking head. That, or zombie birds are coming for us. If I were you, I’d invest in bullet-proof curtains.
Blind Willie wrote:
It is odd though that with all the misfortunes you’ve had with birds, you haven’t been phisically attacked by one of those devious fuckers. Me, I don’t trust birds. I don’t hate them or even dislike them. It’s like that same feeling of discomfort some people have with cats. I’ve been attacked by birds twice in my time, and I tell you this: being peckered in the head by an angry black bird is a nasty experience. What I recollect the most were the sounds of the bird. Forget about “chirping”, we’re talking about an ancient cry from hell, or another plane of existance. This winged devils are experts in the art of war. They’ll fly from the back and without warning will dive and strike in the middle of your head repeatedly, for about five seconds and then dissapear in the same misterious way they appeared. Picture yourself with a moronic what-the-fuck-did-just-happened look in your face, trying to recover your cool, and straightening your hair. Look around all you want, the little prick is already hiding between branches, what do you do? You better run, boy. That’s a lesson for all of you, if you’re not ouf of their territory ASAP, you’ll get the same treatment all over gain. This time though, the sound of its battle cry will haunt you forever.
My take on the bird in your window: It’s the same bird you saw in Ecuador, so watch your ass, ’cause it’s deffinetely a spirit trying to possess your soul. Ancient rites will be required for this one.
Posted 07 Oct 2005 at 4:06 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:
Forget about devious, I meant mischievous.
Posted 07 Oct 2005 at 4:08 pm ¶
alvarete wrote:
A friend once shat on a friend’s head while we were walking down the park. I would’ve given my left nut for a camera.
Posted 07 Oct 2005 at 10:24 pm ¶
nashira wrote:
That, or maybe the bird heard about the flu and thinks he’s in a Spielberg movie, so he flew away from asian labs to warn everyone. If you’d looked closer, maybe you could’ve seen his sidekick: a little cricket with a yellow berret that’s also the morse code translator. …—…
Posted 07 Oct 2005 at 11:01 pm ¶
Schiz wrote:
A whacky spirit in form of a bird? Birds with Spielbergesque fantasies? Sorry, but those theories are just fucking ridiculous. That little devil was obviously part of a genetically modified race of birds. It must be some sort of bio terrorist attack operation, started by some Jewish scientists who have been operating undercover in pet labs for many years. These experimental animals are unique among their species in their impressive ability to annoy the shit out of people. They’ve been genetically programmed to do this. The goal is to use this fluffy army to psychologically destroy people with pet peeves.
Posted 08 Oct 2005 at 5:48 am ¶
alvarete wrote:
Come on, we all know the story
FADE IN
A RAINY STRETCH OF HIGHWAY, NIGHT
A lone truck busts through the dark. We can see it’s a chemical truck, large yellow RADIOACTIVE WASTE signs cover its sides. We catch up to the truck’s window, and see BOB, the truck’s driver, speaking on the radio.
BOB
Dispatch, I took the left turn off 65, but I don’t think I’m on the right track. I can’t see any signs that point to Texas. Can you help? Over.
The radio clicks and sputters static. No answer comes from the other side.
BOB, to the radio
Dispatch, can you hear me? Over.
Still no answer. Bob, annoyed, tosses the radio mic into the empty passenger set, and mutters to himself.
BOB
Just my fucking luck…
We change point of views to a small creature sitting in a tree. When the truck is about to pass by he chirps evilly, then launches himself into a hover. We can see that he’s heading straight for the drivers window. Bob doesn’t notice the bird until it’s too late.
BOB
What the fuck?!
The bird flies into the cabin and starts pecking at BOB’S head and ears. BOB tries to shoo it away, first with one hand, but as the pecking intensifies, we can see little droplets of blood appear on his forehead. He starts panicking, and his hands abandon the steering wheel. The truck starts to swerve, and BOB overcorrects the steering wheel, which causes the truck to leave the road and buckle sideways. The truck slides for a couple hundred meters, then crashes noisily against a tree.
We slowly pan to…
OUTSIDE THE DRIVER’S CABIN, BY THE WINDOW
We can see Bob’s bloody hand hanging outside the truck. The shot lingers so we can see the damage the bird has caused: bits and pieces of his scalp are missing, and underneath his bloody skull shows through. The camera then starts to drift to the back of the truck, where we can see green radioactive slime starting to pour from underneath the truck’s wreck. The shot pans out, and we can see we’re right outside a farm. The sign reads:
PETE AND JO’S BIRD FARM
We pan closer to the sign, and we can see the attacking bird. Something isn’t quite right about it: its eyes are bloodshot, and it moves with unnatural stiffness. It throws back its head and chirps with bloodless delight, then flies away.
Posted 08 Oct 2005 at 2:09 pm ¶
Johann wrote:
Pretty good story, i´m not sure i´ll be able to look at birds the same way.
Just yesterday i was at a farm and the soil had been plowed just a few hours prior. I counted 2 gray eagles, and 21 small brown hawks. I wonder had i gotten out of the car would they have attacked me in a cordinated efford and left my white bones laying there. I´m never getting out of the car in a farm again.
Posted 11 Oct 2005 at 4:19 pm ¶
alvarete wrote:
This is a pretty awesome chains of comments, my fave thus far. The mental image of people being randomly attacked by birds makes me smile…
Posted 11 Oct 2005 at 4:24 pm ¶