2005, we hardly knew ye at alvarete.net

2005, we hardly knew ye

It’s that time of the year again…

Best movies of 2005, anyone?

Lately, I’m in a listing mood. This is not to say that I’m not always attempting to list shit in my head. The other day I was peeing, and thought about what lists I had thought about while peeing. It damn near blew my mind, and ever since that glorious moment, I can see the future.

In that future, I see a list.

How about we do a general Best Movies of 2005 list, sprinkled with awesome moments in 2005 movie history? On second thought, how about I do whatever I want and leave it to you to complain?

Awesome movie: The 40-year Old Virgin

Best comedy of the year? It’s a tough contest between this and Wedding Crashers. However, I found Virgin to be a lot more honest, with real characters and, let’s face it, Paul Rudd (also awesome in Anchorman). Besides, I’m in love with Catherine Keener, even though she’s 45. Or perhaps because she’s 45.

No, “even though” is right.

Awesome movie: Old Boy

There could be some confusion about whether this movie deserves to be in this list, but I saw it in 2005 and it was released theatrically in 2005, so there. It is technically a “twist movie”, a la The Usual Suspects (and god knows I’ve bitched about unnecesary twist endings), but trust me when I tell you: you won’t see it coming. It also features one of the most brutal fight scenes I’ve seen this year. Watch it, and brace yourself for the upcoming Hollywood remake.

Whatever happened to… Good action scenes?

I look at 2005, and I see a distinct lack of good action scenes. I mean, Batman Begins? That shit would be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. Christopher Nolan firmly embraces the “let’s cover up our crap fight choreography by hiring an epileptic camera crew” principle, and serves the least tasty superhero fight footage since Unbreakable. Whatever happened to smart action flicks? Even Peter Jackson dropped the ball with King Kong. Somewhere out there, Yuen Woo Ping is looking for a job. Hire him, for Jeebus’ sake!

Awesome movie? King Kong?

I watched King Kong, and I’m definitely torn (and I don’t mean that in the “King Kong wanted female company” sense). One one side, it’s a proper homage, retaining most of the original’s charm and flavor. On the other… Sloppy screenwriting (there’s a kid named Jimmy that has a half-exposed crush on Naomi Watts who suddenly disappears from the movie, never to be seen again), inadequate pacing, and some honest-to-god awful lines sink this simian ship. Plus, it’s three hours long. There’s some masterful old-school moviemaking in there, but the end product seems rushed and unfinished. Here’s to hoping the eventual Director’s Cut fixes these problems. Until then, the giant primate is unworthy of my repeat patronage.

Awesome movie: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

This movie is the proverbial “more cowbell” on the list. It’s tighter, better written, funnier and more stylish than anything else on it. It also serves to remind us that Robert Downey Jr. is a genuinely likeable and funny guy. Too bad the man can’t stay away from rehab long enough to demonstrate it. Also, Michelle Monaghan? Redefines “hot“.

Awesome movie: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I’m glad I’ve stuck with the Harry Potter movie series. The first one was OK, but from there the series just keeps getting better and better. And by “better”, I don’t mean the story gets more involved (that’s expected), but the acting and directing just keeps getting tighter. Besides, it’s just plain fun. The only downside is that Emma Watson is too young to be considered hot. Let’s leave it at “cute”, pending review.

Awesome documentary: Murderball

It’s a documentary about quadraplegics…

…who play wheelchair rugby and beat the living snot out of each other.

Seriously, not only is this a killer doc, it’s a great movie. I’m not sure it’s easy to get, but if you see it on the shelf, rent it/buy it/steal it. You won’t regret. Well, maybe if you stole it…

Crapfest of the year: Star Wars Episode III: The Revenge of the Sith

I’m sorry, but hindsight is 20/20, and this movie is ass. I take back any kind words I ever uttered in its defense. Thank you Mr. Lucas, for shitting on my childhood.

Ass of the year: Jessica Alba

Enough said.

Movie of the year: A History of Violence

If I had to pick my single favorite movie of the year, it would be Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang. History of Violence, however, would probably come up in second place. The subtexts it reveals upon repeated viewings betray its ~~comic book~~ graphic novel origins. Plus, Maria Bello in a cheerleader outfit? Crazy hotness.

This list is far from complete, but this post is already long enough as it is. Your comments, as usual, are heavily appreciated.

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Comments

Chase Ransom wrote:

I only have two things to comment on:

1. Right on the money with the 40 year old virgin observations. Paul Rudd is the shit.

2. Alba’s ass = I’d tap that. Buddy, next time help us out with links that we can actually access. Like Chris Tucker said; “You dont jump infront of a black man in a buffet line”. Blood, are you trying to cause a mob scene here? You can’t promise the universal standard of awesome ass and all we get is denied access.

Finally, are you trying to say that the magic mastery of Steve Martin’s Cheaper by the Dozen 2 doesnt meet your scrutiny? I am apalled (I’m joking of course).

P.S. Emma Watson = pending review

F it

Posted 27 Dec 2005 at 10:16 pm ¶
alvarete wrote:

Apologies for the ass linkage problems. You should be able to ogle her Valhalla pooper now. Regarding Cheaper by the Dozen 2, has anybody stopped to think that it’s a sequel of a remake? We’re close to rupturing the time-space continuum there, all they need is to make a spin-off based on the sequel, and then a play based on the spin-off, and the universe as we know it will end.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 10:20 am ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

I’m going to remember this post as the “Jessica Alba fiasco”. Not only I still can’t see the picture(s), I’m being redirected to Google’s page.

Not much to say, most of the pictures I haven’t seen yet, but I did get to see Old Boy. Holy shit…well, I must admit I was a little bit out of my senses when I saw it, but it blew me away in many aspects. Quite a shocker.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang haven’t arrived to theaters in the 3rd world, but this is the one that’s gonna drag my lazy ass to the theater.

I happen to disagree about the Batman action sequels. Not because they don’t show crap, but BECAUSE they don’t show crap. Some will think I’m talking straight from my ass, but in Batman’s case I feel that an elaborate fight sequel simply won’t match everybody’s expectatives. Then again, I might be talkin shit. Anyway, whenever I want to see a good fight, I always turn to the Riggs vs. blonde guy (Gary Busey) classic in Lethal Weapon 1.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 3:33 pm ¶
alvarete wrote:

So you like Lethal Weapon 1, you say? Check out Shane Black’s writing credits. Yes, he wrote all the Lethal Weapons and Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Awesome.

I just noticed he also wrote The Monster Squad, which was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. I remember being like 10 and scaring the crap out of nashira’s brothers with it. Peep the trailer for an idea of how terrifying it was. Fun times, fun times…

The Jessica Alba ass fiasco should be fixed now. Hopefully, at least. If not, I expect a mob of irate readers to burn down my house.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 3:39 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

You are 100% corrent on the angry mob comment. Fortunately the link is fixed and now we can all (even the ladies why not) admire and appreciate the fineness of Jessica Alba’s magnificent pooper.

F it.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 4:18 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

Priceless…

The Monster Squad looks as scary as “El Santo vs. La Llorona”. Fun times, indeed.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 4:38 pm ¶
nashira wrote:

You know what’s creepy? I’m pretty sure that another universe existed before this one, and in that universe, there was a play based on a spin-off. And we’re like the aftermath of that universe, where we’re doomed to always come close to that dreadful play, but never quite reach it. But we keep trying, in an inevitable genetic burden.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 6:28 pm ¶
nashira wrote:

As you see, I’d rather talk like I’ve had a lobotomy in my newly transplanted Janis Joplin’s brain than make a list or even dare to comment on one.

Now, about Jessica Alba’s ass, OMG, I’d tap that (BTW, I don’t know what that means. If that makes me look like a dike instead of an unhibited heterosexual woman admiring an ass so much that she’d love to have and will have after dieting and more hallucinatory drinks, that was not the idea).

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 6:34 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:

You might be confused on the whole tap-worthiness system.

F it

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 8:25 pm ¶
Blind Willie wrote:

Maybe it’s a feminine thing, you know. I mean, my wife only lists things when she needs me to go to the supermarket.

Another difference with the female genre: it’s perfectly cool to be bisexual. Bisexual men are gay, bisexual women are “experimental”. I’m willing to pray to any pagan lust-oriented god so that my wife could admit to have naughty dreams about Jessica Alba.

Men are always like this, anyone who disagrees is nothing but a yellow-bellied dog.

Posted 28 Dec 2005 at 9:23 pm ¶
Rudd-O wrote:

Hey there. Long time no C.

(same goes to you, Chase Ransom)

Link to me: http://rudd-o.com/
(I linked you as soon as I went live again)

Merry Christmas, dude!

Posted 29 Dec 2005 at 2:27 am ¶
Schiz wrote:

There is an uruguayan movie called WHISKY that I found kind of beautiful and even inspiring, although depressing. One of the best I’ve seen this year.

I also liked CRASH (a really good movie about racial issues), SIN CITY (fun stuff), CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, BATMAN BEGINS and HARRY POTTER 4 (the best HP movie ever made).

With regards of Star “thrice the hype, triple the fall” Wars Episode 3, despite it being somewhat dissapointing it didn’t really hurt, like… hurt. There is no such thing as this “George Lucas shitting in my childhood” bullshit. Nothing is going to change your childhood history, whether it was good or bad. Now, on the movies that I really disliked this year:

THE RING 2: This is the type of sequel that not only is fatally worse than its predecessor, but it even trashes it. It’s also boring and stupid.

GUESS WHO: After it was over I made an oath of “never again” regarding movies with Ashton Kutcher in a comedic role. This holocaustic disaster was enough.

THE AMYTIVILLE HORROR: Rushed and formulaic and overmusicalized.

THE TERMINAL: For Zeus’ sake, Steven Spielberg is getting so redundant with his sappiness that is as funny as getting double kicked in the testes.

If I had to pick one, then the “If I Wanted To Watch Crap I Would Stop Flushing The Toilet” award would go to Guess Who.

Posted 29 Dec 2005 at 6:28 am ¶
alvarete wrote:

I’ll come out and say I liked Guess Who. It made me hate Ashton a little less, and that’s saying a lot, even though he’s the man that fucks Demi Moore instead of me. If I was him, I’d wake up every day, look in the mirror and say “Dude, I’m fucking Demi Moore. AWESOME!”

The rest of the list is spot-on, except for Spielberg. We agree on The Terminal, but I think War of the Worlds is triple-A-plus awesome. Oh, and Crash was ass. It was overplayed and pandering. You want the definitive movie on racial issues, watch Do The Right Thing, not this.

Posted 09 Jan 2006 at 12:44 am ¶