All Crüed Up

The worst thing about contemplating suicide is that while you’re plotting your death you become a nihilist. Writing for the blog? Pointless. I’ll be dead tomorrow. Not that I was actually, you know, going to kill myself, but depression often brings a morbid desire to off yourself. I’m (mostly) over it by now, and I guess it wasn’t much of a depression when all it took was talking with a couple friends about it. If I could package that shit, it’d sell like hotcakes. God knows it was more effective than the happy pills my doctor prescribed.

Good news: I still have my job. Given how relaxed (for lack of a better word) my fellow countrymen are, I still managed to look industrious even though I was working half-steam. I guess it truly is more important to wear an ironed shirt to work than to be, you know, productive. And you can say anything about my shirts, but let me tell you one thing: them shit’s be ironed for reals, yo!

Today marks the 4th long weekend we’ve had in 6 weeks. I’ll tell you one thing: the stories you’ve heard about the spanish being lazy? All true. I can understand post-vacation depression if you have 10 work days off a year, but when you have 32, plus fifteen (!!!) more holidays, plus whatever extra days they throw our way, it’s just people looking for an excuse to work even less. “I’m back from vacations, AGAIN. I’m feeling down about going back to work, so I think I’ll go on depression leave. Honey, pack your shit! We’re going back to the Bahamas!”

Has anybody watched M:I:3: The Sequel with Way Too Many :’s? Judging by the box office rake-in, not a lot of peeps have. It holds the dubious record of Movie Opening on the Most Screens, ever, which should be a badge of shame if you see how much money it made per screen. Is it Tom Cruise? Is it the stale stench of a rotting franchise? I, for one, skipped the opening week just because I didn’t want to give any more money to Scientology Tom. Which is too bad, really, as the movie is a rather decent spectacle. It features not only one, but two MacGuffins, which betray its pop-corn movie nature by ways of having a shitty plot, but the action sequences are thoroughly entertaining, and Philip Seymour Hoffman is Das Shiznit. Did I mention Michelle Monaghan is hot? Because she is, really.

Besides that, this weekend we have what will probably go down in history as the shittiest movie adaptation of the shittiest best-seller of all time: The Da Vinci Code. If it’s half as nasty as the book it’ll still qualify as a full-on boot-to-the-testicles, which is sad considering that it’ll probably make money ass-over-fist. We need to start a campaign to get people to not watch this turdfest. Even if they somehow get the ever-perky Audrey Tatou, through a strange plot device, to jump naked on a trampoline for half the movie, we shall overcome!

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Comments

  1. Chito wrote:

    Facts:

    -Spanish are lazy.
    -Scientology sucks.
    -Michelle Monaghan is relly hot.
    -Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the best actor of his generation.
    -When Tom Cruise dies, the world will be a better place.
    -Dan Brown is a hack!
    -Ron Howard is an even bigger hack!
    -Audry Tatou will not marry me.
    -My reply is not funny at all.

    Posted 15 May 2006 at 3:59 pm

  2. Schiz Cum Snake wrote:

    As much as I despise Scientology and its cum bubbling scienoborgs to the point that it’s almost personal, I had to give a huge load of credits to John Woo for making me forget for two hours how much I dislike the fucking moron starring in ‘Mission: Impossible II’ and besides making me root for his character. (But time passed and Mr. Spileberg, on the other hand, made me hate the little smurf again in the utterly forgettable ‘Minority Report’).

    I almost loved M:i:II despite all the absurdities of the plot and the character stupidity (the first one was more complex but I didn’t get when I saw it; guess I’m slow). It rocked and it blew me away. I’m for this third turd too.

    Posted 16 May 2006 at 4:27 am

  3. ChaseRansom wrote:

    Is the phrase “cum bubbling scienoborgs” trademarked? Cuz if it isn’t, it should be god damnit.

    Haven’t seen it, thus I cannot comment but, lets add this up:
    - The dude from Alias is at the helm = not a good sign
    - Felicity is in it, which despite her hotness, we will never forgive her for cutting her hair off at some point in her life
    - Cruise has lost most, if not all, of his screen value at this point
    - These movies never have any nudity in them and therefore, right of the bat, how good could they be?

    Anyway. I will of course see it at somepoint although I dont know that it is “movie theater worthy”. X-Men III gonna see it for sure. Superman for sure. And stop poking me with a stick and calling me a geek damnit!

    Hogaaaan!

    Posted 16 May 2006 at 2:47 pm

  4. alvarete wrote:

    The thing about Scientology Tom is that I can’t stand his shit, yet you have to give it to the man: he’s 100% dedicated to his, well, shit. In the movie there’s a minute-long tracking shot of Tom Cruise running.

    That’s it.

    I pity the poor camera operator that had to run alongside him, with a fucking 35mm camera strapped to his chest, just to prove that, yes, it’s Tom Cruise, and yes, he’s doing his own running. He’s the übermensch. Yet, he eats placenta and gives his money to religious quacks.

    Posted 16 May 2006 at 4:26 pm

  5. nashira wrote:

    I used to hate Tom Cruise until I saw him on Magnolia. Holy crap, he totally impressed the shit out of me. HE ROCKED. That was great acting. Great. Great. Great.

    On other news, alvarete, pack it! I want half. I mean, I deserve half.

    Posted 17 May 2006 at 5:44 am

  6. ChaseRansom wrote:

    Really? Not to be a pisser but, there may be quite a bit of arguing over the fair percentages of distribution reaped from the profit of all this packaged feel-good-funk. 50%? We need to hire a mediator or take this to arbitration in order to resolve it.

    Almost bought Roll Bounce yesterday but was intimidated by all its sweetness. I’m not sure I can handle that much groove in one sitting all by myself.

    HIT ME!

    Posted 17 May 2006 at 8:57 pm

  7. edipa wrote:

    I agree with Nashira. Tom did rock in that movie…
    but right now it doesn´t really matter how wrong he is , Cruise is just so much fun.

    Posted 17 May 2006 at 11:46 pm

  8. Chito wrote:

    Cruise is a good actor, but not a great one. Also, you have to consider that a good director can get the best things out of good actors (e.g. Cruise in Magnolia or Sandler in Punch Drunk Love*). But sometimes that’s not even good enough (e.g. Leguizamo in Crónicas). Lately, Mr. Katie Holmes, have been nothing but crap. Such a waste of a good talent. He’s one of the few actors that I know is good, but I just can’t stand him onscreen. I fail to draw the line between his characters and him as the Tom Cruise we all hate. That’s not the case with Sean Pean, for example. He’s a wanker but still, I draw the line clearly whenever I watch one of his movies. Also, there’s the kind of actors who are good onscreen but also cool, like Johnny Depp or Ewan McGregor. I would love to have a drink with those guys and talk about whatever. You know, that kind of coversations you had with people you’ve met for the first time.

    *I know that both, Magnolia and Punch Drunk Love were directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, but I couldn’t think of a better example on how much a director’s influence weights on the performance of actors; both of them: Cruise and Sandler were considered somewaht mediocre actors before they did those movies.

    Posted 18 May 2006 at 1:01 am

  9. nashira wrote:

    Chase, forgive my math skills (if any)… It should’ve been 33,33%.

    Chito, I saw Punch Drunk Love. Sandler was better than usual, buts still not good. Cruise was freaking GREAT on Magnolia. I agree with you, the director plays a decisive role, but he does what he can with what he has. And Sandler is not a versatile actor, there’s a limit on what you can get from him. Cruise’s characther on Magnolia was pretty hard to play, he had to reflect an emptiness not any actor can deliver. You need to have a heavy background in acting school, you can clearly see the method in his acting. I loved him.

    I used to love him
    now I have to kill him… or Katey

    Posted 18 May 2006 at 6:14 am

  10. alvarete wrote:

    The Sandler Problem: A term I coined to refer to actors who are so notoriously unversatile that they end up playnig the same fucking character in all their movies. See also: The Michael Douglas Conundrum and The Chandler Bing Issue, AKA “The every single fucking actor from Friends who end up playing themselves in every movie” Issue.

    Tom Cruise was the tits in Magnolia, Adam Sandler in PDL, not as much, but still a notable improvement from the Sandler persona. While this proves that PTA is one hell of an actor director, I also agree that Tom Cruise’s performance deserves credit. The man fucking rocks. Also, the man has acted in a number of enjoyable flicks. Collateral and War of the Worlds were pretty entertaining, and even though the man is wound so tight he could snap himself in half at any second, at least you have to give him credit for giving 110% in every single acting situation.

    Posted 19 May 2006 at 2:25 pm

  11. Schiz Cum Snake wrote:

    I detected three in this movie, not just two. But tthe movie was mostly shite. Too much show, very little excitement. But the worst offender for me was the idiotic dialogue. At one point one character, the real villain, talks about his black boss and makes a jaw dropingly stupid reference about affirmative action. I was like, what the fuck (and I mean the fuck) was that? Yeah, I get it, like, that is how we are supposed to know the character is evil.

    The two twats behind the script of MI:III are also responsible for the scripting of the scriptless ‘The Legend of Zorro’ (a movie that is just so traumaticaly awful that apparently I don’t even remember actually seeing it). Those two are too up to the screenplay of ‘The Transformers’ and the next ‘Star Trek’ out of steam franchise excretion. May Him have mercy of our eyes.

    Posted 22 May 2006 at 2:13 am

  12. alvarete wrote:

    Actually, the Transformers script has been leaked, and it’s reportedly pretty awesome. And OMGWTFBBQ Meagan Good!!!1

    I’m sold.

    Posted 22 May 2006 at 9:29 am

  13. ChaseRansom wrote:

    Dude, its the chick from Roll Bounce. Of course she’s hot. What is the BBQ at the end for? Are you implying that black people love barbeque? Cuz if you are, I’m offended - but entertained cuz theres nothing wrong with a little racial humor and whoever cant take it, has issues.

    I would tap that and then some.

    I just felt like watching Block Party all over again. Come on down cuz by the time you make it over here, it will be on DVD.

    POW!

    Posted 22 May 2006 at 5:26 pm

  14. alladin5 wrote:

    good post. it is best site.5

    Posted 31 May 2006 at 2:32 am

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