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Just wanted to remind people of the little speech I gave about the Man of Steel and reproduction with Lois Lane, seeing as in this piece of shit film he has a kid now (apparently), and no-one thought about the fact that he is an ALIEN!

Here’s the facts in case y’all forgot…

1) If he were to fuck Lois he would blow a load through her back like a shotgun.

2) If Lois somehow did manage to become pregnant without dying in the process, the first tan that she gets would facillitate the kid to kick a hole through her womb. (Powers enhanced by Earth’s yellow sun, remember!!)

3) The only person who could probably bear his child would be WonderWoman.

and finally….

4) The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom. Which would kill him.

Please, FFS do NOT watch this film. You’ll only want 2½ hours of your life back when it’s finished.

Total WANK!

http://hedonistica.com/yt.php?path=http://www.youtube.com/v/vgYhLIThTvk

Everything else is RIGHT ON!

POW!

Anyway, fuck the weekend. Anybody who hasnt seen superman yet can feel free to not read the rest of this. I have….lets say….MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS:

ALL THE THINGS WRONG WITH SUPERMAN:
1. Superman has a kid? WHAT THE FUCK? And does this kid have ANYTHING to do with the movies story line? Did the existance of the kid have any relevance to anything that happened in the movie? Nope. Just tossed in there. Not to mention the kid looks as dumb as the snot he must pick on an hourly basis from his nose (before he eats it of course).

2. Casting. Many things to say about this:
2.1 Do we have to see Cyclops get emasculated AGAIN in ANOTHER superhero movie? Is this guy trying to make a career of being “the good guy that chicks dump on even though I am good looking”? It’s embarrassing. His agent should be fired. And the casting director for this movie should have seen this sort of response a mile away.

2.2 I for one, never liked Margo Kidder. I didnt think she was hot, she came accross the screen as VERY obnoxious and she already looked like she was on some sort of drug habbit. So I thought, “damn this is going to be a great opportunity to put a better looking (hot), less pain in the ass person into that role SO ITS A LITTLE MORE BELIEVABLE THAT SUPERMAN HAS A HARD ON FOR HER! For crying out loud the dude could bang any chick in the world and he settles on Margo Kidder? But no….now they took this chick, who by the way looks like a little boy wearing a wig and there are several things wrong with that, who lacks any of the spunk that Lois Lane is supposed to have, (like I said, looks like a little boy), seems to be the biggest two-timing whore on the face of the planet. Lord have mercy.

2.3 Jimmy Olsen is AN IDIOT in this movie. In the original he’s a little goofy and what not, but it’s fine. Here, he is a complete MORON. I have shit stuff with more brains than this.

2.4 The Indian dude that did Harold & Kumar go to White Castle is hilarious. I love him. BUT, he is SO out of character playing one of Lex’s goons. Maybe they should have put him in as Jimmy Olsen and mixed up the racial pot of the main characters a bit. Make Louise a sweltering hot cuban american boricuan mix reporter on Telemundo? No? The Indian dude is Jimmy Olsen and Lex could be, well, Japanese. (Im just kidding you freaks).

2.5 Mr White from Superman I kicks Mr White from Superman V’s ass.

3. Script: Also much to say about it.
3.1 Does the thug on the boat HAVE to go play the piano with superman’s kid? For fuck’s sake.

3.2 Oh I see. It is all very clear to me now. Superman has a PROBLEM with stopping a Boeign 777 from crashing (apparently not aware that the wing is not strong enough to hold the rest of the plane so he brakes both of them off). However, with a piece of kryptonite stuck in his ribs, manages to lift out of the WATER, a landmass approximately the size of Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch all the way into space?

3.3 Why didnt the United Nations form a committee at some point to have all the kryptonite on the planet consolidated and either destroyed or at least put someplace more difficult to steal than a crappy low security building where even a schoolgirl could steal it?

3.4 Lex Luthor, the greatest criminal mind of our time, has to BANG AN OLD LADY and wait for her to die to get enough money TO BUY A BOAT? Interesting.

3.5 So Parker Posey (or however he name is written) throws the crystals out of the chopper. Safe to say they didnt fall in the ocean because otherwise, all hell would have broken loose. So now they are floating in space somewhere? Does Superman even know that they are on this orbiting rock?

3.6 Superman takes a power nap after lifting Michael Jacksons ranch into space. Oooh look how funny we cant put a needle into superman.

3.7 Lois Lane has the body of a 10 year old boy (like I said earlier), HOWEVER, is tossed about on the inside of the 777 on its “highway to hell” = no bruises. She must be made out of rubber. Ok, so how about when the 150pound steel door of the boat they are sinking in (very Titanic) slams into her head? Not only is her skull not turned into pulp (which it should have), she doesnt break her neck, she doesnt even (to my recollection) even have a BUMP. Superman next to this chick is a pussy. She is fucking Ironwoman. She must be. Otherwise when Superman banged her, he would have torn her to bits.

3.8 Did Lex, with his 200 IQ not learn from his first experience that having a soft hearted quirky sidekick chick on your team when your nemesis is the heart throb of america, is NOT A GOOD IDEA? Not to mention Parker Posey needs to hang her “I’m a hot actress” cap on a stick and pick up a nice little “cast me in older not so fetching roles please” gown.

3.9 The speech given by Marlon Brando in Superman I, to his son, is from the point of view of a father passing the torch, upon his death, to his son. I love it. I want to be friends with it. However, why Superman in Superman V completely steals this shit from his pop and deals it to his son, I HAVE NO IDEA. Did the writers not know what else to write? It doesnt fit. Is Superman, with the combined knowledge of all the known galaxies (and moonlighting as a writer mind you), not articulate and creative enough to dump a new line on his son?

3.10 The darker red cape and boots piss me off.

3.11 Spacey does an OK job with Lex, but whoever was in charge of costumes should have realized that Spacey is NOT a “macho” guy, and he looks like an ASS (a gay ass of course) in those army boots. Do we have to dress the ppl in the movie already with the clothes that will be used for the action figures?

3.12 Lex, after trying to sink California and helping General Zod almost take over the planet, is released from custody and declared innocent over a legal glitch like NOT HAVING SUPERMAN THERE TO TESTIFY? Hello? WTF? Miranda rights? Mother fu….

Do I have to go on? As you can tell, I was disgusted with this from start to finish. Superman flies into space but has to build another mexican-piñata looking space ship to make it back to earth landing AGAIN in smallville? OMG. And is weak and and shit from the landing for some reason.

None of it makes any sense. Its dumb, poorly thought out, poorly casted, etc etc. The effects are good, as if there was ever any doubt that they would be, but the story, the characters, etc….are all crap.

I havent been this dissapointed since Elton John did that duet with Ru Paul.

POW!