Death: The High Cost of Living
As you get older and you get to know yourself better, you discover things. I used to think that I hated people. I’ve found out that I don’t: quite the opposite, in fact. Not all people, and certainly not all the time, but I’ve noticed that after moving away I’ve let myself miss my friends a lot more. You also accept certain aspects of your life: I’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be a rock star. Believe it or not, that’s maybe the one thing that I’ve hung on to the longest. Like Neal Stephenson said in Snow Crash, “Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.” I’m twenty-eight now, so the dream lasted fully three years more than it should have. “Had I been kidnapped by spanish gypsies at the age of four.” It’s not being a rock star per se, it’s about not being part of the five-nine (99,999%) percentile of the world that’s completely and utterly forgettable. After you’re twenty-five, common sense kicks in (or is supposed to, at least), and you start abandoning your dreams and working about being forgettable, albeit in a very special, non-standard, “Hey, I’m a unique snowflake” way. This is often-times referred to as “starting to live your life”, which would be funny if it wasn’t so damned ironic.
The one thing I’ve come to realize after all these years is that, in a way, hanging on to your dream of fame and fortune isn’t about the now. It’s about tomorrow, when you’re long-gone, and all that remains of you is what others remember. Because after a life-time of being here, there’s nothing scarier than the notion of being gone. “Gone” , as in, “not being”. This, I’ve noticed, is the scariest thing in the entire fucking world. The concept of it is so foreign, that I feel an empty hole in the pit of my stomach every time I think about it. I feel like curling up in a ball in a dark corner of the world.
I’m beyond scared.
Because life feels like it goes on for so long, yet everything only happens a certain amount of times. Even if it feels like some things go on forever, they don’t. You will get up in the morning x amount of times, and then one day, you won’t. Just like that.
–Bang.
Jóse wrote:
AaaA!
Efectivamente los numeros van surtiendo su efecto. Hace poco LuiCo cumplió 29 y pensar que el proximo año es mi turno… aiiiee! Aunque tampoco son los 70 años, loco, death is, at least as in a strict biological age point of view, quite distant.
Posted 30 Nov 2006 at 1:40 am ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
Wait a minute! Are you saying we aren’t going to eventually lead a strike against an overpowering evil overlord and duke it out in an showdown where we are ridiculously outnumbered?
What have I been practicing my menacing glare and “hero shot expressions” for all these years?
Now I won’t be able to sleep for weeks.
Posted 30 Nov 2006 at 4:03 am ¶
Bobby Peru wrote:
“One crowded hour of glorious life
is worth an age without a name”
Corny like a bitch, but true.
I drank and smoke my stuff yesterday while whoopin’ everybody’s ass at the poker table. Being mature is about sucking the marrow of each “crowded hour” of self indulgence. Dreams die, get over it. Once you realize this, the burden of not being what you once thought you’ll become will fade away and make you free. Maybe even you’ll find your own true motivation…JAJAJA!, I’m talkin’ like a cunt!
See, write whinny stuff and you’ll get bitch-like replies. I don’t know you, so this is not a word-to the-wise type of comment, so take it as it is, a critique: stop ranting about your pre-thirties blues, it’s getting boring. Use your usual cynisism* (si se escribe así esa verga) as an instrument of lethal irony. If you’re mad because you don’t hear the crowd’s enchore anymore start showing it, for fuck sakes.
Posted 30 Nov 2006 at 4:26 pm ¶
nashira wrote:
Honey, I know how you feel. I really do. I wish I could make a joke now, like the boys here, but I don’t think I could make a good one, so I’ll pass (but not away, yet. “Paso, tío”, I mean).
I also feel like I’m not capable of giving you the kind of comfort you’re looking for. I’m aware that when you feel like curling up, you also think that there’s only one answer that could make it go away, like magic. But if you happen to be an irredeemable skeptic, you know that the answer does not exist.
There’s a couple of books I can recommend, though. Right now, I can’t think of anything else as deep and truly comforting as buddhism. It seems that what got you in the hole is the egocentric world vision we all have in this side of the world, it’s this damn education. We’ve talked about this before. Try looking for Mathieu Ricard or Dalai Lama’s books, really. Try not to fall in the loop, in the empty cicle. This newly discovered love for people is completely coherent with the way you’re feeling now, with your perception of time and self.
I just wish you were here or I was there, it’s always easier when you’re close to your friends. A cup of coffee and a good conversation can uncurl you for a while.
Ok, I’ll leave before this gets any cheesier. Try not to be an asshole and answer the mails sometimes. Love you.
Posted 30 Nov 2006 at 7:40 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
What in the world is this happy horse sh*t? Woman, if you want to emasculate us, why not just cut off our pipi why dont you?
Mathieu Ricard? Dalai Lama? What this man needs is some good old fashioned, no questions asked, balls deep brute force, sloppy but sweet *kof*agina. Sorry to be so crude but, that is what it boils down to.
Personally, I would recommend perhaps the “no taller than 5′4″ - quite naughty but with a dash of sweet - nimble and uninhibited” kind. That should set you straight for a good few months.
Coffee and good conversation? That is so Winona Rider back in the 90’s. This is the damage that chick flicks bring to the world we live in!! Lord have mercy!
POW!
Posted 01 Dec 2006 at 3:30 am ¶
Schiz Cum Snake wrote:
Hate is a strong word. I don’t hate people, at least not in the non hyperbolic sense. The secret for my inner peace is to stay away from the hordes of humanoids of the class that struggle for the depravation of my solitude whilst afording no companionship whatsoever, which, surprisingly, come to be part of a huge percentile of people in the world.
I was granted with The Power of Cheese so my mind is above MEST, so I don’t mind and they don’t matter, and I won’t mind if they don’t matter, and they don’t. Not really their fault though. So due to my leftist and caring nature I despise the involutionary and morally absolutist direction that some jokers want the world to take. I pray for great natural disasters and the massive starvation of worthless Africans.
The problem with the negative social value of humans is that there are just too many of them. And while I understand that modernity tends towards homogenization, our human nature makes us unable to accept it, because people tend to honor the things that are rare rather than what is common. People are becoming too trite, too common.
However, I know the world is not s’posed to be fair: I don’t expect to be utterly happy so I won’t be dissapointed if the happiness fairy doesn’t knock to my door. The fair world trap is the favorite ride for the narcissistic postmodernists (oxymoron, I know). I can tolerate people and get along with them, enough to survive, not without secretly wishing them death though, but in the non hateful way of course.
Posted 01 Dec 2006 at 7:28 am ¶
nashira wrote:
Oh, yes, it all boils down to that, how could I’ve missed it? Blame you, Winona! Maybe I need to watch more dick-flicks, so then I’ll understand that sex with a depressed guy should be a legitimate turn on, as well as a good idea for women.
Posted 01 Dec 2006 at 7:19 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
See - now you are on the right track
POW!
Posted 02 Dec 2006 at 1:56 am ¶
Chalito wrote:
dude, i completely level with you on this one. I’m 25 now, but at 22, i was forced to face the same hard reality you talk about when i realised that i was not gonna be a baseball star…in fact, i couldn’t even be a Crash Davis (kevin Costner in “Bull Durham”…a guy who spent his whole carrer in the minor leagues…best sports movie character IMO).
I don’t know if i can help you mate (and yes, i do agree with nashira, a good conversation usually helps in this cases….any other type of problem can be solved with chase’s idea). Anyhow, my way of dealing with this, is setting goals mate. I’m not talking about “i wanna play a sell out Madison Square Garde” goal, but realistic yet hard work goals. I do this with my carrer, family and pretty much everything.
Once you settle your goals in order and start working with clear direction, you’ll start enjoying yourself more…by know, winning a world series doesn’t seem like a must do in my list anymore.
Hope this helps….if not, we’ll get really pissed with a bottle of jack daniels in april, trust me, a good hangover really gives the finger to any other problems in your head.
CG
Posted 02 Dec 2006 at 1:57 am ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
This is BS. You want to cheer up? Conan O’Brien is ON FIRE this week. That includes the lighting of the chritmas lights in La Bamba’s mustache, and Pender’s plee to Britney so she cover up her poon. Also, making super potent eggnog with Martha Stewart, roasting chestnuts in a fake fireplace and then going into a fabulous x-mas carol.
This is the shit.
Posted 02 Dec 2006 at 6:58 am ¶
Stivox wrote:
Hey dude, I got the razor for you, got the tub running some warm water, good music, and this time is not going to be chocolate.
Cheer up mofo, Love ya.
Posted 02 Dec 2006 at 9:47 am ¶
alvarete wrote:
Thanks all for the good wishes. In fact, by the time I was done writing all this I was already feeling much better, but faced with the choice of posting or deleting, I chose the former and didn’t look back.
I can second what Chase said: Conan is absolutely on fire! Since I discovered Late Byte, I’m keeping in touch with american late night shows, and Late Night with Conan is on a roll. I also watch the odd Leno, Letterman and Daily Show, but Conan is where it’s at.
Posted 04 Dec 2006 at 12:07 am ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
Speaking of where it’s at….
Tonight….Jennifer Connelly was the guest and WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN? She is so hot, I am disturbed. Almost upset. Anyone who didn’t see it should go to Late Byte and witness greatness (yes ladies, you also take a trip).
I dare to say that on the unbreakable grading scale of women instituted by the boys and me, which runs from 1-5….she pops the cap and is a 6
Lord have mercy
POW!
Posted 05 Dec 2006 at 7:11 am ¶
nashira wrote:
Chalito knows who’s the ideal woman in my threesome fantasy… Not that he’s included. He just knows.
Yes, alvarete, this is how we entertain ourselves now that you’re not here: talking about sexual fantasies and drinking.
Isn’t that enough to convince you to come back?
Posted 05 Dec 2006 at 6:41 pm ¶
Chalito wrote:
mate…you give nashira a couple beers and the sex conversation just rolls on!!!….and yes, she has this fixiation with a certain lady that goes beyond any reasonable explanation….guess who?
and yes, jennifer connelly is tha bomb!!!
Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 1:47 am ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
whats with the “mate”? It’s disturbing.
POW!
Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 2:23 am ¶
Chalito wrote:
what’s disturbing about it??? would you be more comfortable if i used “dude”???
Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 5:57 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
You can’t answer a question with two questions young man.
POW!
Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 7:30 pm ¶
nashira wrote:
’cause if you do, you’ll sound like a jew
not that there’s anything wrong with that
Posted 06 Dec 2006 at 9:28 pm ¶
Stivox wrote:
hi jew puta
Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 10:22 am ¶
Blind Willie wrote:
I have to know, Comadre: who is this “certain lady” you fantasize with. I’m not asking you to be specific (unless you want to), just a name and a reason, which I’m guessing, should be something else than just “because she’s hot”.
Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 5:48 pm ¶
nashira wrote:
Well, she’s hot… but she’s a total bitch comedian. I’ve told you about her. It’d be awesome, I guess, and if it’s not, at least she’ll make someone in there laugh (or not).
Playboy interviews her:
- Do you like to talk dirty while making love?
- I don’t like to. I can’t help it.
I’ve got a long neck. It’s the best of my many good features. Swan-like. It’s six inches, when flaccid.
~ Sarah Silverman
Posted 07 Dec 2006 at 6:31 pm ¶
Chase Ransom wrote:
As comedians go, I guess you couldn’t do much better than Silverman.
Any men want to confess to what dude they want to do a threesome with? CHALITO DONT LET ME DOWN NOW!!
POW!
Posted 08 Dec 2006 at 1:30 am ¶
Chalito wrote:
mmm, tough one chase…i’ll probably have to go with Carrot Top…althoug the sexyness of dave attell is hard to resist.
I agree, silverman is the bomb, however, i’d be kinda scared of doing a 3-way with her…i imagine that if the guy pays too much attention to the other chick for a while, she would turn the sarcastic routine on him with no mercy
Posted 09 Dec 2006 at 1:48 am ¶
alvarete wrote:
Oh God, Chalito is scared of a woman’s sense of humor.
You know how I know you’re gay?
Posted 09 Dec 2006 at 1:57 pm ¶
Captain Charisma wrote:
Ok, Im not much into the feedback on this blog… but that last two comments were priceless.
Behold the super sarcasm blast! Killing good sex since 1921.
I also agree with the “mate” sh!t… why dont you just go all the way and use “lad”?
Posted 20 Dec 2006 at 3:38 pm ¶